wherein I seem to contradict myself a lot
Jun. 28th, 2014 11:57 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
floatingleafI got my period the other day. About two-and-a-half weeks after the last one. Which is a new record, I think. Of course, I have a pretty good idea what threw my cycle out of whack. Emotional distress is one of typical big factors, after all. Every once in a while, even when my brain thinks I'm perfectly OK, my body seems to believe otherwise - but this time they were clearly in agreement.:/
Well... at least it's mild. No horrible cramps or debilitating headache. No heavy bleeding, either. Just the usual grumpiness and fatigue. But I'm pretty sure the only reason it's so mild is because it's "out of schedule"...
I do realize I have barely commented on anyone else's posts in the past few weeks. And I no longer have the usual excuse of being busy with fandom and Skype... but, paradoxically, the very lack of said excuse has made me extremely reluctant to engage in any sort of human interaction. I can vent on here, and I will reply to any comments left under my own posts, because that's just common decency, imo - but being social in other spaces seems about as easy as pushing a boulder up a hill. Dealing with pain or disappointment makes me very quiet and withdrawn - like I'm looking at the world through a thick pane of glass. I need encouragement and support, but I can't make myself reach for it - the glass is too tough to break, and no-one can hear me tapping at it from the other side. I know it's a prison of my own making... but I've always been that way. Even if I am absolutely sure that opening up to someone will make me feel better, I find it ridiculously hard to do so. Unless I am very, very close to that person - but, in most cases, being THAT close to someone doesn't end very well for me... possibly because once I stop holding back, the flood of my pent-up emotional baggage quickly becomes too much to handle for most people. I am aware of that. But I do need someone who will be able to withstand that flood... and so, if I feel like I'm being encouraged to open the floodgates, I eventually do so. For better or worse (mostly worse).
Anyway... what I was trying to say (before I got derailed by my incurable tendency towards pointless navel-gazing, AGAIN) was that I will eventually get back to my previous routine of LJ-interactions. And for those few people who have been supportive - please rest assured that I do read your posts, and that your presence here is a comfort to me, even if I don't always make the effort to say so. You know who you are.:)
Btw, I am still in a sort of split-personality state about the VC fandom. A part of me will always enjoy reading fanfic and fantasizing about the characters... but another part of me feels too heartsick to ever go back to "hanging out" with other fans as though nothing ever changed. Because, to me, EVERYTHING changed. I can no longer joke light-heartedly about what an insufferable jerk Lestat can be sometimes. And how poor Louis just can't help loving him regardless, HAHAHA. It's like, say, stupid immigrant jokes - they're only funny until you move to another country. Fiction is only fiction if you keep it at a safe distance - once you start living it in your daily life, you can no longer remove yourself from a character's pain as if it isn't "real". Paradoxically, there is hardly any point in following a fandom if the characters don't feel "real" to us... but how to stop ourselves from taking it too far? What if this is the very reason we are drawn to certain fandoms more than others?... Because they somehow reflect certain patterns we are likely to fall into in real life?...
Again, I was going somewhere with this, and that was to say that I am trying to "branch out" into other fandoms, where I can meet new people and interact without "baggage". The problem is, most popular fandoms these days seem to be TV-related... and I don't watch TV. Perhaps I should start to - pick a good show that is available on Netflix (I don't have regular TV or cable service - can totally do without paying the bill), then find the online "hangouts" of its fans?... Any recommendations?... Game of Thrones?... I do tend to prefer fantasy/period stuff to modern stuff - so that is why I thought of that. But then again, I read on some feminist blog that most female characters in GoT either get raped or threatened with rape at some point - and that just made me gag. So I really don't know...
Btw, I wonder if there are any active online communities where people discuss good movies - as in, real cinematic art from all over the planet (anywhere BUT Hollywood, basically... LOL). I haven't been able to find any on either LJ or Dreamwidth - but perhaps there are other places I am unaware of?... Good cinema is like a whole another fandom for me - one that can never be fully explored, because it keeps expanding in all directions. I am dying to discuss films with people - but often just finding someone who has heard of, let alone seen, some of my favorites appears to be too much of a challenge. It's all about the big Dream Factory of cookie-cutter crap these days...
Well... that will be it for the moment. Any advice welcome as to how I can find new human connections, in order to distract myself from my inevitable failures at... human connections. Right. That made sense, obviously. *sigh*
Well... at least it's mild. No horrible cramps or debilitating headache. No heavy bleeding, either. Just the usual grumpiness and fatigue. But I'm pretty sure the only reason it's so mild is because it's "out of schedule"...
I do realize I have barely commented on anyone else's posts in the past few weeks. And I no longer have the usual excuse of being busy with fandom and Skype... but, paradoxically, the very lack of said excuse has made me extremely reluctant to engage in any sort of human interaction. I can vent on here, and I will reply to any comments left under my own posts, because that's just common decency, imo - but being social in other spaces seems about as easy as pushing a boulder up a hill. Dealing with pain or disappointment makes me very quiet and withdrawn - like I'm looking at the world through a thick pane of glass. I need encouragement and support, but I can't make myself reach for it - the glass is too tough to break, and no-one can hear me tapping at it from the other side. I know it's a prison of my own making... but I've always been that way. Even if I am absolutely sure that opening up to someone will make me feel better, I find it ridiculously hard to do so. Unless I am very, very close to that person - but, in most cases, being THAT close to someone doesn't end very well for me... possibly because once I stop holding back, the flood of my pent-up emotional baggage quickly becomes too much to handle for most people. I am aware of that. But I do need someone who will be able to withstand that flood... and so, if I feel like I'm being encouraged to open the floodgates, I eventually do so. For better or worse (mostly worse).
Anyway... what I was trying to say (before I got derailed by my incurable tendency towards pointless navel-gazing, AGAIN) was that I will eventually get back to my previous routine of LJ-interactions. And for those few people who have been supportive - please rest assured that I do read your posts, and that your presence here is a comfort to me, even if I don't always make the effort to say so. You know who you are.:)
Btw, I am still in a sort of split-personality state about the VC fandom. A part of me will always enjoy reading fanfic and fantasizing about the characters... but another part of me feels too heartsick to ever go back to "hanging out" with other fans as though nothing ever changed. Because, to me, EVERYTHING changed. I can no longer joke light-heartedly about what an insufferable jerk Lestat can be sometimes. And how poor Louis just can't help loving him regardless, HAHAHA. It's like, say, stupid immigrant jokes - they're only funny until you move to another country. Fiction is only fiction if you keep it at a safe distance - once you start living it in your daily life, you can no longer remove yourself from a character's pain as if it isn't "real". Paradoxically, there is hardly any point in following a fandom if the characters don't feel "real" to us... but how to stop ourselves from taking it too far? What if this is the very reason we are drawn to certain fandoms more than others?... Because they somehow reflect certain patterns we are likely to fall into in real life?...
Again, I was going somewhere with this, and that was to say that I am trying to "branch out" into other fandoms, where I can meet new people and interact without "baggage". The problem is, most popular fandoms these days seem to be TV-related... and I don't watch TV. Perhaps I should start to - pick a good show that is available on Netflix (I don't have regular TV or cable service - can totally do without paying the bill), then find the online "hangouts" of its fans?... Any recommendations?... Game of Thrones?... I do tend to prefer fantasy/period stuff to modern stuff - so that is why I thought of that. But then again, I read on some feminist blog that most female characters in GoT either get raped or threatened with rape at some point - and that just made me gag. So I really don't know...
Btw, I wonder if there are any active online communities where people discuss good movies - as in, real cinematic art from all over the planet (anywhere BUT Hollywood, basically... LOL). I haven't been able to find any on either LJ or Dreamwidth - but perhaps there are other places I am unaware of?... Good cinema is like a whole another fandom for me - one that can never be fully explored, because it keeps expanding in all directions. I am dying to discuss films with people - but often just finding someone who has heard of, let alone seen, some of my favorites appears to be too much of a challenge. It's all about the big Dream Factory of cookie-cutter crap these days...
Well... that will be it for the moment. Any advice welcome as to how I can find new human connections, in order to distract myself from my inevitable failures at... human connections. Right. That made sense, obviously. *sigh*
