Floating Leaf

I am still in this really weird headspace that is hard to put into words. It is as though my lifelong habit of freaking out in the face of uncertainty is in a protracted wrestling match with my new-found tendency to trust that everything is unfolding exactly the way it's supposed to. I don't know who's winning this time, but I can definitely feel the tension. There is also this constant push/pull between the need to just be with this inner conundrum, and the urge to distract myself away from it. As well as the need to write about it, and the feeling of pointlessness inherent in that. I don't know if I'm making any sense. I'm in split-personality mode, and I'm having a hard time deciding which side needs to be given a voice right now.

Perhaps it's best to refrain from posting until I have specific news to share... which should be pretty soon. Trying to write now feels like pulling teeth, regardless of how much the chaos inside my head seems to be needing an outlet. I just can't bear to keep beating the dead horse of my majorly triggered (and majorly triggering) money-related anxieties, and I don't seem capable of talking about anything else, either. So there you have it. My inner demons are ready for battle, and I wish I could just bury my head in the sand. Which is, of course, a bad idea, as I'd be getting my ass kicked anyway.

Well then... enough useless metaphors. Excuse my unusual lack of verbosity, and good night.

Found this on Tumblr. How to determine if one is an empath. Not all of it applies to me, but a hell of a lot does. I have bolded each sentence that evoked a feeling of recognition. I have never thought of myself as an empath, btw... just as a wimp unfit to deal with life, for the most part.;) So here's another way of looking at it. Food for thought, at any rate.

( There is nothing wrong with you, you do not have an emotional disorder. )

Did I mention summer?... Well... it lasted about two days this time. For most of this week, it's been quite cold again - it even SNOWED a tiny bit yesterday. No, I am not kidding. Just a handful of flakes, really - but dear Lord. In mid-May. O_O Fortunately, the building management had turned the heating back on before the temperature dropped too much. It's been on every night/morning since then... including today. This afternoon was warmer, though... so we will see what happens next...

I have a hard time focusing at work - it is as though my brain has gone on vacation already, and keeps obsessively running through the "to do" list (or pondering what to pack - will it be warm enough for summer clothes?... will it rain?... which of my sandals are the most comfortable for walking?... etc.etc.etc.). Last night I spontaneously decided to dye my hair - well, I've been meaning to do it for a while, but lacked motivation... until I realized we will be taking pictures, and I do want to look halfway decent on at least some of them, and a nice hair-color might help.:) So I did it, and it turned out rather pretty, if I say so myself. Bright, but not too vivid for my pasty complexion.;) The shade is called "copper blonde"; I have to remember this, because I usually assume that anything saying "blonde" isn't going to come out right on me... and so I get something darker, which then turns out way too intense/purplish for my skin. My natural hair color is a rather pale greyish brown at this point - so I can pull off lighter shades than I used to. Blondish reds come out almost golden...

Anyway - I stayed up too late fiddling with the hair, then woke up too early and couldn't sleep anymore.:/ Too much excitement, I suppose. I sooo need a break from the tedious everyday routine - but, unfortunately, my body/mind has the annoying habit of translating almost any breaks in routine into anxiety. I'm like a cat who freaks out because someone moved its favorite pillow; even if I am the one who decided to move said pillow, and so there's really no conceivable reason to complain about it. *sigh* My brain understands that, but apparently my body doesn't. Well, at least I got my acupuncture this morning, so my upper back isn't made of concrete... yet. *mirthless smirk*

The VC fan community over on Dreamwidth is still exploding - so many comments, so little time.:) And my most popular fic on AO3 - The Mirror - has 365 hits as of right now (!!!). I had never really entertained the concept of HUNDREDS of people reading my porny little snippets - so it is a bit of an "OMG I'm famous!!!" moment.;) LJ doesn't give you the number of hits, so I never really knew how many people read my stuff (beyond those few who took the time to comment). I'm still sort of struggling to wrap my head around that...;D

That is pretty much all the news I can focus on at the moment. Might still check in here before the trip - but then again, I might not. So please keep your fingers crossed for my sanity just in case...:P

It's happened again. I stayed up all night, first Skyping, then unable to sleep due to being too buzzed from the exuberant hilarity of the conversation... then Skyping again, around 3-4 a.m., because, as it turned out, my partner in crime was also still online (not even having attempted to go to bed, I might add). *headdesk* I am definitely too old for this. And yet, it seems to be happening regardless of my plans, moods, opinions, fears or any other considerations. And I seem to be OK with it. Or, you know, my consciousness has been altered to the point where I don't care.:P Who needs drugs? The Crazy People From The Internet (as a friend of mine once put it) are quite enough...;)

The VC fandom is very active, too, and I want to participate in it more. As in, I want to write, not only comment on other people's fic/artwork etc. (however engaging that is) But there's this little voice in my head telling me not to bother, because, 1) most of what HAS been written in this fandom is either quite good or downright outstanding, and how could I ever measure up; and 2) the author officially hates fanfiction, which makes it somewhat illicit, and therefore somewhat risky, if only in theory. And I do not like risks. Perpetuating LOTR slash was so much easier, somehow; of course there were tons of good fic around, but there were also tons of crap, and it seemed like I could place myself above the average without much effort.;) Plus, the author was dead and you didn't have to worry about his potential reaction to what you did with his characters.:P So, I very much want to write, but I am also very tentative about it...

Not to mention I can't really focus on it, anyway, because I'm too busy discussing life and fandom with someone who is too compulsively creative to care about trivial human pursuits like food or sleep.:P Don't get me wrong; I love being the beta reader/chief advisor/captive audience etc. I think it's flattering, and I don't have a competitive bone in my body, so envy isn't really a factor. But I would need a quiet, focused mind to be able to do any writing... and that just doesn't happen of late. I'm on a rollercoaster.;) But then again, if not for said rollercoaster, perhaps I wouldn't even CARE about the potential writing, because I wouldn't be able to convince myself that anyone might want to read it. So it's a bit of a conundrum...

In other news, none of my old Polish friends have added me on Skype so far. I am a bit miffed. Because I clearly haven't been spending enough hours on there already... *facepalm*

Nothing else to report. Work is busy, but not too stressful, weather is crazy, but we're all used to it by now, and I'm PMS-ing, but so far it's just making me manic, not murderous. Early bedtime tonight sounds tempting... but I better not mention that in case I jinx it again...;P

Hi, this is a message from Insomnia Central. Too Buzzed To Sleep. I am resisting the urge to send this message out via Skype. I am also resisting the urge to howl at the moon, which is very full and very bright, glaring into my window. Hello, Moon. Do you think I can call in sick (= mentally deranged) to work this morning?... Or should I just waltz in there in Full Zombie Mode, with a huge dopey grin on my face?... (and then promptly collapse, snoring, with my cheek against the keyboard?) Sounds like fun, oui?... *resounding headdesk*

Well... guess what? My workplace was also closed today. TWO DAYS in a row due to extreme weather. That probably hasn't happened in the entire history of the company... LOL. Anyway... the other shocking piece of news is that I WAS supposed to report for jury duty. Actually, I found that out first, and was in the process of majorly angsting about it, when I received the message from the office saying that we're still closed. That just put me in a state of massive righteous indignation. I mean, everyone else is getting another bonus day off, and I am supposed to ride halfway across town in "dangerous windchill" conditions? NO FUCKING WAY. I was almost ready to burst into tears about it... so I picked up the phone and called the number provided for "more information", to see if I could somehow get myself out of this. And, as it turns out, the automated message system includes the option to reschedule. All you need to do is input the "juror number" from the summons they sent you, and press a button to "request an extension". Whereupon a recorded voice message informs you that your request has been approved, and you will receive another summons in "approximately 3 months" (or 6, if you happened to choose that particular option). That's it. *blinks in amazement* I am SO GLAD I found the guts to make that call (it was pure desperation more than actual guts, but anyway).

Nevertheless, I had been in so much anxious anticipation for most of the day that I couldn't quite shake it off, despite the sudden relief. In fact, the weirdest thing happened. My mood took an unexpected plunge. It seemed to come out of nowhere, making no sense under the circumstances... which only made it worse, somehow. ( Read more... )

Sunny and bright today, though still very cold. My errands were uneventful - by which I mean there was no need to pray for the miraculous ability to walk on water.;P The only thing out of the ordinary that I noticed was the little river running through my neighborhood. I have never seen it so high. But it wasn't spilling onto the streets - at least not where I looked. If I walked a mile or so towards the lake, I would probably see flooded areas - but I was too tired for such experimental hikes. Going to see my chiropractor involves lots of walking as it is - and then I still had to lug in the groceries. Once that was done, I took a nap.;)

And now I know exactly what I want to do with my evening. I'm going to write the next installment of the perpetually unfinished 30-day meme.:)

( Day 26 – Your fears, in great detail )

I've been an absolutely lousy LJ-friend of late. I haven't left a single comment on anyone's post in the past week or two. There were a bunch of posts I wanted to reply to, but somehow I always thought I'd do it "later". Apparently, "later" is a mystical, unspecified term that leaves me in a state of confusion, because it magically turns from hours to days, then to weeks... without my conscious approval, I might add. I'm not one for spontaneity, in general - I like to have a set time for everything. But time is unreliable. It flies by ridiculously fast, on most days (except at work sometimes, when it drags like limp noodles... but that's another story).

What I'm trying to say is that I would really have no basis for complaining if some of my new friends decided to remove me from their journals due to lack of interaction. There would be no hard feelings on my part - some regret, perhaps... but I can't really, in all honesty, promise to be a better commenter in the future, since I'm not sure it's a promise I can keep. The way it looks now, I'm probably going to just comment on weekends, and only on posts by the very few people I feel a deeper connection with (those very few people most likely know who they are). Anyway... "quality over quantity" has always been my motto.:) So if it bothers you that I read, but never comment, don't feel obligated to keep me as a friend just to be polite.:P I generally don't mind people's lack of comments, by the way - I'm used to it, LOL - but I do realize everyone has different requirements when it comes to blogging/journalling and such. So I'm only saying this for the sake of clarification here, if needed.

I am addicted to this journal, there's no doubt about it. But I would most likely still write in it if no-one ever read it. I've always kept a journal, ever since my mid-teens, and for many years, it was a private little notebook hidden in a drawer. In other words, it's not a desire for an "audience" or "popularity" which makes me write. It never was. That said, it's nice to know if people relate to something I've written. But then again, there were far too many times I did relate to something other people had written, and never let them know either... so yeah. Interaction is my week point, a lot of the time. My brain is like a sponge: it soaks stuff up, retains it, but hardly ever gives anything back (maybe it needs a squeeze... LOL).

Also, I have apparently managed to get my body used to the new rhythm of always going to bed before midnight, because it is currently screaming "BEDTIME!" at me in a most demanding manner - despite having slept in this morning, and not having done anything particularly exhausting during the day. So whatever else I thought I wanted to say will have to wait till "later" - whatever that means... *sigh*

So I went to this training session today. Had to get up at 5:30, which was, all by itself, quite traumatic.;) Then I somehow got off the bus at the wrong place again (despite having taken the trip beforehand) and couldn't find the train station (which was very close to where I was, actually, but I just didn't see it for some reason). Whereupon I panicked that I was going to be late, and almost took the bus in the wrong direction (luckily I got my bearings before I made that mistake, LOL). Then the train I got on was awfully crowded, and I almost panicked that I wasn't going to be able to squeeze out of it when my stop came along. In short, I was incredibly tense by the time I arrived (I was 20 minutes early, btw). ( Read more... )

Because the month is almost over, and because I'm having the "scattered brain syndrome" again, let's try to facilitate this post by making it the next installment of the 30-day-meme.

( Day 20 - This month, in great detail )