Floating Leaf

So... I did get my period properly, so to speak, sometime yesterday. And by now I am feeling more or less fine. Still, it was a week early, and I have no slightest clue when to expect the next one. At least it didn't knock me out too badly - though I guess having a lazy weekend at home made it as bearable as can be. But apparently I no longer need to spend hours in bed on the worst day of it, which is an unexpected bonus. Seriously, it's been the bane of my existence for many years. I am still a bit sluggish and get tired more easily... but that's a far cry from being completely incapacitated for 10-15 hours at a time. So perhaps there is a good side to all those weird hormonal changes as well...

But another thing that's bothering me is that I am gaining weight. Slowly enough that it took me a while to notice, but yes - there's no denying it any more. And it's not just the weight gain itself - it's the changing shape of my body. To use a nice euphemism, I am noticing a disproportionate accumulation of fat below the waistline.:/ Speaking more bluntly, a paunch. Yes, I believe that's what I should call it, however much that word makes me cringe. I know it's not an uncommon feature among people in their forties... but somehow that's little consolation at the moment. I guess I'm just having trouble accepting the fact that I AM a woman in her forties, and that I'm certainly beginning to look like one (people still occasionally tell me that I don't look my age, but those occasions are getting less and less frequent of late...). I wonder how much of that is internalized ageism and shallow obsession with physical attractiveness that dominates Western society - and how much is my own strong sense of the aesthetic, which has always made me cringe at the sight of ugliness in the broadest sense of the word. Of course, what you see as ugliness could be largely determined by the culture that raised you - so perhaps it's one and the same thing, after all. Either way, I perceive my pear-shaped body as ugly, and that bothers me far more than any possible health risks of weight gain ever could. Talk about keeping your priorities straight. *sigh*

Anyway... it's such a tired topic, really, I don't even want to get into it anymore. I have always felt rather insecure about my physical appearance, even when I was in my best shape - though, ironically, I do think now that if I only could get back my 25- or 30-year-old body, I would be ecstatic and strut it around with pride like there's no tomorrow (which, of course, was the last thing on my mind back then). So perhaps I should try to imagine a time when my PRESENT body will seem like a wonderful place to be in.;) Strangely, though, I find that thought depressing. *sarcastic smirk*

See, here's the key to my unhealthy fascination with immortal creatures like elves and vampires. Their bodies are "frozen in time". They don't get old. They are also naturally thin and never gain excessive weight. Well, technically a vampire can be fat if they happened to be a fat person when they were turned - but how many fat vampires are there in literature?... Prove me wrong if you can, but I can't think of a single one. Even those who weren't exactly beautiful as humans become somehow attractive once they're undead. I think this reveals our very basic - if shallow - desire to escape the inevitable deterioration of human bodies. We would kill to stay beautiful - and vampires quite literally do. Just food for thought, you know (pun intended, LOL).

I do realize it is unfair and morally wrong to judge people based on their appearance. I try not to do that in real life. But I will admit that I often find online friendships appealing precisely BECAUSE I usually don't get to see the person until we've known each other for a while, and therefore I am unable to form this shallow, looks-based first impression that can be so misleading. Once I have formed a mental/emotional connection with someone, looks really don't matter anymore - but at first they inevitably do, and just like I don't want to misjudge other people based on their appearance, I also don't want them to do the same to me. In short, I want them to feel intrigued by my lively mind (hehe) BEFORE they see the plain, aging fleshly package in which it comes. So that would be why I don't often post pictures of myself online (and if I do, I chose the most flattering ones I can find). Though I sometimes envy (and am extremely puzzled by) the ease with which other people do. It's definitely not a character trait I am proud of, and I don't find it very easy to talk about - but it is the truth. I much prefer my "online self", which is built of words and thoughts, to my physical body - and I also often prefer to interact with others on this disembodied plane, without seeing them and letting their physicality influence my opinion of them for better or worse. Sometimes I catch myself thinking that since we can't all be elves or vampires, we might just as well be brains in a jar. Sick and twisted, probably, but for some reason I felt the need to get it off my chest. I do apologize if it offends you; it does offend ME, too, but it's there, and I seem to be in a confessional mood, so here goes. *shrug*