Floating Leaf

So, there's this sexuality meme/survey I've been meaning to do. I stole it from goddessofchaos. It's meant for asexual people, but the questions can be modified depending on your orientation.:) Feel welcome to grab it - though if you're straight, I guess "coming out" and related topics don't apply.:P

1. What is your romantic/sexual orientation?

I'm a biromantic (or, perhaps, panromantic) demisexual. That is, gender does not determine who I fall in love with - but actually falling in love is a necessary prerequisite for me to be able to experience any sort of sexual attraction. Or, to be precise, the more intense my feelings for someone, the greater the degree of physical/sexual intimacy I am willing to engage in.

2. Are you out? To whom?

Well, this is a pretty recent discovery, so I am only "out" here in this journal. Oh, and also to one old friend from Poland who doesn't read it, because she doesn't speak English.
Before that, I used to identify as a lesbian, and I was out to pretty much everyone who mattered: immediate family and close friends. As well as any other gay people I happened to meet.:) I didn't advertise it to the general population, though. And I didn't deliberately hide it, either. I just don't normally discuss highly personal topics with casual acquaintances, so the subject simply never came up.

3. How old were you when you realized you were demisexual? What made you realize it?

See previous answer, LOL. I identified as gay for about 20 years, before I finally figured out it wasn't quite correct. What made me realize it? Teh internetz, of course.:D I stumbled upon some articles describing less known facets of human sexuality, and found that what I considered unusual or "weird" about myself as a lesbian actually had a name, and was a whole another "orientation". Like, for example, how I "didn't get it" when a friend of mine (another lesbian) made random sexual remarks while looking at pictures of naked women online (I would lick that pussy dry etc.). To me, the mere thought of going down on a random stranger is nothing short of repulsive. Always has been. No matter how attractive said stranger may be, objectively speaking. I will look at pictures of anonymous naked women (or men, sometimes), yes, and enjoy them greatly if they are tastefully done - but I don't actually want those women to materialize in front of me so I could "do things" to them. Not at all. I may want to meet them if they seem interesting (=intelligent, not just beautiful), to see if we have anything in common and could possibly become friends - and, if that works out, months later I might gradually come to the realization that yes, perhaps I wouldn't mind doing things to them.;) But it wouldn't be their beauty alone that made this happen. And it could also happen with someone who didn't seem physically attractive to me at first (as it very much did, at least once ;). In short, I must feel a mental/emotional connection to a person before I am even capable of perceiving them in sexual terms. All the celebrities I ever crushed on?... Some of them were/are indeed considered sexy, but that wasn't what made me crush on them. It was what I knew about their personalities from their behaviour, articles, interviews etc. I always had a picture in my mind of someone I admired as a human being before the erotic dreams started. I just wasn't aware that there was a specific term describing this state of affairs... lol.

4. Do you identify as a part of the queer community? What communities do you identify with?

Yes. I don't suppose I will ever be able NOT to feel as a part of the queer community, after identifying as a lesbian for so long. Even while crushing fiercely on a guy, I still feel queer somehow.:D Plus, I am fascinated by all shades and forms of "queerness", whether they apply personally to me or not. I am always reading/watching stuff on sexual minorities of all kinds and trying to understand all aspects of the problem. Even the random, compulsive promiscuity among gay guys, which on some level is totally alien to my nature. I may not exactly "get" why they think it's fun, but I simply accept it as a fact of life about gay guys, and love them no less for it.:D

5. Tell the story of the first person you came out to.

As a demisexual, I recently "came out" to a friend who has known me for over 20 years, and she conceded that the description fit me pretty well. As a lesbian, I first came out to my best friend at high school (I think... it was so long ago, I'm not even sure anymore, LOL). Or, I told her about the crush I had on another female friend (I don't think I was comfortable using the word "lesbian" back then). She seemed a bit shocked at first, but being very open minded, got over it pretty quickly. Years later, I was the first person she told about her own lesbian love affair... LOL (the only one, as far as I know; she had only dated guys before, and is married to one now).

6. Have you faced oppression because of your sexuality, whether institutional or societal?

Not really. I was lucky, I suppose. There was never anything about my looks or behavior that would suggest I wasn't your average straight woman, so no one thought to make life difficult for me on principle.;) The only form of "societal" oppression I can think of is some relatives (in particular, one nosy uncle) pestering my mom with questions as to when I am finally going to get married. He used to pester me, personally, as well, but as a result I now avoid him like the plague, so he no longer has the opportunity. As for institutional oppression... yes, I suppose I could say that. I was in a lesbian relationship when I received my immigration visa to the US, and if it was legally possible for me and my girlfriend to get engaged, we probably would have, just to make it easier for her to follow me here. As it was, she could only apply for a tourist visa - and she didn't get it. Whereupon she decided to break up with me. I don't blame her - it was her first relationship, and naturally she didn't want to be stuck in long-distance mode for the forseeable future. And she never really wanted to live in the US anyway (neither did I - but that's a whole another and we are not discussing that at the moment). However, the fact remains that if she were a guy, she most likely would have been able to emigrate with me, and we wouldn't have been forced to break up like that. So yeah, that qualifies as oppression, I suppose.

7. Who’s your favorite Doctor? (Or, do you have a favorite asexual character?)

I don't watch Doctor Who. And I don't know of any asexual characters (though I've seen it mentioned here and there that Sherlock Holmes might be one). Or demisexual ones, for that matter. Gay and lesbian characters, yes; but I don't know who's my favorite. There have been too many. Which is a good thing.
Also, I just had to remind myself that, technically, Aragorn or Legolas are NOT gay characters.:D (They may be so in my brain, but we're not discussing that at the moment.;) And neither is the Vampire Lestat (though he could be called bisexual, I suppose). Too bad, since those were my first obvious choices.:P

8. Do you believe there should be asexual pride? What do you imagine it being like?

I don't know. I think there should be greater visibility - as in, easily accessible information on all shapes and forms of sexuality, however rare and unusual. The very fact that I only discovered the term "demisexual" at the age of 40 proves very clearly that this is not the case. But as for asexual or demisexual pride parades, I'm not sure what they would look like. I guess a "freedom" parade encompassing all different groups would work just fine.

9. What does being demisexual mean to you?

It means I no longer have to feel embarrassed about not wanting to sleep with someone I really like, even if they do want to sleep with me, or feel somehow obliged to reciprocate certain sexual favors I never asked for in the first place. Even in a long-term relationship, there were always certain things I did only because I knew my partner expected me to - I would have been perfectly happy without them, but didn't really know how to bring up the subject. It also means that it is entirely possible, and perfectly normal, to care deeply about someone without the slightest sexual subtext to it; or with just enough subtext to flirt up a storm, but not actually want to go beyond that. And it doesn't mean that I am deceiving someone or "leading them on". I am just being me, and my feelings of emotional closeness and affection are no less sincere for it. I am not good at faking anything - least of all passion - and pushing myself into something I don't feel is only going to make it look extremely artificial. It is also not true that whoever doesn't want to bang anything that moves must be somehow "repressed". I do not feel repressed. I will not withhold anything that's actually there, if you catch my drift. I just need more time than most people for those genuine passionate impulses to develop - and that's what being demisexual means to me.

10. What have other people said about your demisexuality?

Not much, so far.:) But this is still very fresh for me, so I don't talk much about it, either.

11. If you’re out, talk about the most accepting person you’ve come out to. If you’re not out, talk about what you would hope a coming out experience would be like.

Everyone so far (that is my LJ flist, mostly) has been accepting. When I came out as a lesbian years ago, I also had mostly accepting reactions - because I mostly came out to people who I knew would be accepting.:) Basically, if I felt someone wasn't open-minded enough to be OK with it, they wouldn't have become my friend in the first place. I don't get on very well with closed-minded people, in general.

12. Your favorite asexual Tumblr site.

Ha. I don't know of any. I am not on Tumblr, nor do I plan to be anytime soon.

13. Your favorite asexual website.

I've looked at a few, but I don't really have a favorite so far. And the only specifically demisexual site I know of is the LJ comm (demisexuality), which isn't particularly active. But I am keeping my eyes open, so to speak.

14. Tell us about a time you met another demisexual, whether in real life or online.

Ha. I guess I haven't. Unless you count the people on the comm, whom I don't really know. I just follow their discussions. I haven't "delurked" yet... lol.

15. Your favorite asexual character/celebrity/person.

Again, I don't know of any. Either asexual or demisexual, for that matter. At least not openly so. Other than the LJ comm members, of course. So I suppose my favorite asexual person would be goddessofchaos - since she's the only one I actually know and talk to.:D
Yeah - visibility is definitely an issue. But considering how long it took for gay/lesbian characters to have some presence in the media, this is probably not surprising. Which is why I am talking about it.

Damn!... how'd it get so late again???... *sigh* I just can't keep up with time these days. Not that I ever could... but it's getting worse, somehow. I simply don't understand where the hours go, and it's beginning to scare me. Is that how it feels to be getting old?... Will I suddenly just blink and realize I'm eighty? *panics a little*