Floating Leaf

So what's new here? Well, for one, I'm roasting, like much of the northern hemisphere at the moment. My room is a perfect little toaster oven, with the sun beating down on the windows from about 5 till 8 p.m. every day. The curtains are drawn, the A/C unit is roaring, and it still feels swampy. Oh joy. *wipes brow*

Oh, and I broke the big standing fan in the kitchen. It was always in the way, and I kept tripping over the metal crossbars that support it, and they gradually got bent out of shape, and finally one day the whole thing just crashed to the floor, and now it's dead.:/ Just in time for the massive heatwave we're having.:| I could buy a new one, of course - but lugging such a huge thing around without a car is really too much of a hassle, and a smaller one isn't going to help much anyway. The waist-high tower fan I put next to my bed at night (still need it, even with the A/C running) isn't strong enough to make any difference in the kitchen - so the kitchen has basically become a no-go zone. And the bathroom is a steam-room, of course - so unless I'm taking a cool shower, I rather try not to spend too much time in there, either.

Oh, and last night I blew the power circuit, because apparently I can't have my electric kettle AND the A/C unit on at the same time.:/ I had to go down into the ominous dark dungeon that is our basement (a scary place even in the daytime, I kid you not), and, using my phone as a flashlight, search for the correct fuse box (there is no light switch anywhere to be found in that basement, I swear, I've looked for it on several occasions). What was I doing having the kettle on in this infernal heat, you may ask? Well, here comes the sad and pathetic confession: I still drink hot tea, even in the midst of a tropical summer. I know this probably sounds ridiculous to most people... but apparently I'm an addict. I can't go completely without it. Except I don't really drink it hot - I sort of let it cool down, almost to room temperature, before I even take a sip - but it still has to brewed hot. And don't even talk to me about ice tea, because it's NOT THE SAME. *pouts* I mean, I totally buy those tea-flavored soft drinks to mix with my iced water when it's really hot... but they are not a replacement. Every once in a while, I still need REAL tea - especially after I've eaten something even mildly "oily" or spicy. Again, probably something a lot of people don't get - but for me, certain foods simply HAVE to get washed down with tea. Either that, or alcohol.:P And since I usually don't drink alcohol when I'm by myself (just in case you're wondering...;), it has to be tea. And last night, I had some store-bought seafood salad in a creamy dressing. I hardly ever use cream or mayonnaise in the food I make (which definitely helps maintain a healthy weight), but every once in a while I succumb to temptation during my grocery shopping and grab something a little more caloric. Especially during times like these, when it's just too damn hot to spend much time in the kitchen. So anyway... mayonnaise requires tea. Just in case you didn't know. I'm sure this is a vital piece of information to share with the universe. *snort*

As you may have gathered from the above, there isn't much going on here at the moment. I might just as well attempt another installment of the neverending 30-day meme...



I miss a lot of things, but what's been on my mind lately can be briefly summed up as "my life in Poland for the last 2-3 years before I moved to the US". I was a rather special kind of life, in a way, and quite different from the "before" and the "after". In essence, I was more or less in limbo, waiting for my emigration paperwork to arrive - which was a semi-legitimate excuse not to have to search too hard for a job.:P Yes, I am admitting it now, in full honesty (my parents aren't reading this, after all). I had graduated from the uni, and technically I WAS looking for a job, since there was no knowing when the US embassy might invite me for an interview - but I wasn't looking nearly as diligently as I had my parents believe. They were across the ocean, after all, and I was sick and tired of my mother monitoring my life with razor-sharp precision for so long - so whenever she wasn't there to harangue me about every little detail, I sort of did what I pleased for a change. Plus, there was that feeling that this is my only chance to "live a little" before I get on the plane and say goodbye to pretty much everything and everyone I cared about, to suddenly become this tough and responsible adult in a whole new country. I honestly thought I deserved a little slack before this metaphorical guillotine severed me from life as I knew it. So I devoted my energies to what made life meaningful to me. I slept in, read a lot, took long baths whenever I liked, wrote endless letters and journal entries, wandered aimlessly around the city... I talked to my friends. I went to various feminist and/or queer discussion meetings and events. I socialized whenever anyone I liked spending time with was willing and available (at least once or twice a week). There was a group of women I used to "hang with" at the time; most of them lesbians, some bisexual, some socially conscious and wanting to "change the world", and some just dragging along for the sake of good company. We had weekly meetings, which often ended up at the gay disco.:) There were also various summer outings, day trips, birthday parties, movie nights, amateur basketball matches in the park and so on. You may find it strange that I participated in all this, since I keep talking about being such a total introvert and needing so much time alone - but keep in mind that I mostly had my "time alone" during the week, while those other women were busy with their jobs or studies or family lives or whatever else they engaged in. So to those who didn't know me outside of the group, I must have appeared the consummate social butterfly.;) I was always calling one girl or another and trying to see when she was free for a face-to-face chat (another thing to keep in mind is that I didn't have internet access at home back then, so online chats were not an option). And this, in particular, is what I miss. The ease and availability of social contact with people I actually cared about and enjoyed spending time with. Some of them were no more than casual acquaintances, of course - but the core of the group were women I felt pretty close to, and could easily have deep conversations with long into the night. It takes time for me to develop that sort of closeness, and it's also something that needs energy and focus to keep flourishing. But I did have the time, the energy and the focus back then, because my "adult life" was on hold and I could just live for this. I do not have it now. Since I moved to the US, I met maybe two or three "real life" friends that I have a true connection with - but we barely keep in touch, due to mundane concerns like work and family, and sometimes it's easier to just interact online with someone from across the ocean than to pick up the phone and try to figure out a good time to meet the person who lives a few streets away. And don't get me wrong - sometimes those online interactions are even more fulfilling, in their own way. But still - having the luxury of time to actually see people I want to see, on a more or less regular basis, is something that feels mythical and outlandish these days, and I do miss it. So there.

That's it for now, since I need a break from typing.:) It's supposed to cool down slightly tomorrow, by the way (like, to 28C instead of 33... LOL). If it does, I might go shopping. I still have that unused $100 Kohl's gift card, after all...