Floating Leaf

Okay. Let me attempt an update. I still don't know where to start, but I'm going to start anyway. Please bear with me if I'm not making much sense.:)

I feel I have reached a sort of turning point in my life... a deciding phase during which I am ready and willing to make some lasting changes. Now, this is big, because generally I tend to have a rather negative reaction to changes. Something along the lines of a cat's reaction to a hedgehog.:P But every once in a while, there comes a moment where some thoughts/beliefs that had been percolating under the surface come into alignment and prompt me to take action. Whenever that happens, it feels like something that has been long in the making, but is ultimately inevitable. Like the slow shifting of tectonic plates or something. LOL. Well, the last time it happened was in 2008, when I joined WeightWatchers. I was very skeptical about it at first, but I knew that my diet and lifestyle had to change, because I wasn't happy about either my clothes size or my general health and wellbeing. So I gave it a go, and eventually managed to drop about 30 lbs (as well as get rid of a few unhealthy habits). At that point in my life, I was still largely motivated by the perpetual self-consciousness about my looks that had plagued me since puberty (which is a whole another topic, because when I look at old pics of myself now, I just bite my lip and go, OMG you idiot you were such a beautiful girl, WHY didn't you SEE it????!!!... *headshake*) - so I mostly focused on the overall calorie intake, not so much on proper nutrition (though I did make improvements in that area as well, mostly by eliminating the glaringly obvious "fast food" junk, which I hadn't really had a chance to get addicted to, not having grown up in the US). My chief goal was losing weight; feeling better was just a welcome side effect, in a way. So now, seven years later, I have decided I want to do it the other way round: get really serious about proper nutrition, including supplements, and basically stop ingesting ANYTHING that has zero nutritional value. Like processed sugar. I just want to do it to take care of my body, to "keep the doctor away" for as long as I can... to be protective and nurturing to myself (in ways my own mother never was), because I fucking deserve it. If I happen to drop a few pounds along the way, then that's awesome, but it's not my goal. I am not expecting to be skinny at 44. I am not expecting to have a flat stomach, either (that would take much more exercise than I am willing to engage in, to be honest). But I am expecting to be healthy - as much as it is possible in our toxic world. Processed sugar is a form of poison. It feeds cancer cells. It is also the main reason most Americans are overweight. Because they consume it in ridiculous quantities. Not necessarily because they want to - but because it is added to every conceivable grocery store item in this country, along with high fructose corn syrup and other worthless crap. Is it actually possible to completely eliminate it from your diet without starting an organic farm?... I don't know. But I am certainly going to try. And this is only the first step. I am on a journey here. I've been reading TONS of articles on nutrition and absorbing humongous amounts of information - some of it mutually contradictory. Eliminating sugar is one of the few things that all experts seem to agree on.:) So it looks like a good starting point. What logically follows is the elimination of everything that the body transforms into sugar - like bread, pasta and rice. The good news is that I am not particularly crazy about either one of those... I do enjoy a slice of bread with cottage cheese every once in a while, but I no longer gorge on sandwiches like we all used to do back in Poland (seriously, we would have sandwiches at least twice a day, every day; it was a staple, right along with mountains of mashed potatoes... LOL). As for pasta and rice, I don't suppose I'm going to miss them much. I've been using them mostly as a "filler"; as in, if I make a pot of vegetable stew and throw some rice or pasta into it, it will make the dish last longer. But I want to focus on quality, not quantity from now on.:)

Anyway... this is a big topic, and I can't possibly exhaust it in a single post, so enough for now. There are other things I am learning, and those involve mental/spiritual wellbeing. Because I believe in a fucking holistic approach to fucking everything, and I think it is finally dawning on me that happiness REALLY is a choice, and comes from deep down inside, as opposed to being handed to us by external circumstances (I don't know who said this, but I have this quote stuck in my head: "if you are happy for a reason, then beware, because the reason can be taken from you" - or something to that effect). Well, I've had "the reason" taken from me a number of times, and I am basically done with letting other people decide whether I am happy or not. I know it's easier said than done... but I won't know if it can be done unless I try it, right? I think being open to the possibility is the key. I think I have spent most of my life subconsciously choosing to feel powerless about a number of things, for a number of reasons. Again, a huge topic... just flicking my fingertip across the top of the iceberg here, LOL. And yes, I remember what I said about staying up past midnight - so this is all I am going to say for now. Food for thought, or thought for food, or however you want to see it. Good night.:)